The Minivan Milestone

So I'm driving a minivan now. I gotta tell ya, it feels pretty good.

I am well aware of the stereo-types. I know that for many, the move from a cooler ride to a functional family mover, is a transition that marks the end of their hip self-image. But here's the thing; I embraced a crotchety old guy self-image a long time ago. For me, the minivan brought me back on par with all the 30-somethings who run in mainstream, suburban, family-centric circles.

I know most of you thought, based on my personality, that I was moving toward a 4-door sedan with rear-wheel drive, vinyl seats, and an AM radio. Well, that was my second choice. I could slip into some checkered pants, get behind the wheel of an Oldsmobile, and feel right at home.

But for at least a few years more, I'll be tooling around in a boxy 8-seater, telling teens to pull up their pants, and basically feeling hip.

Good Guy, Bad Guy, Grateful Guy

A poignant tale of a senseless tragedy and a guy who did the right thing.

The Best 30 Seconds of the Year

Let's just start this off by getting our minds out of the gutter and agreeing not to post any snarky comments about Ryer; the title of this post has nothing to do with his brief and infrequent exploits in the bedroom. This is a G-rated blog, fit for the whole imaginary family.

As boring as it might seem, this post is about taxes. Actually, it's about completing the federal and state tax forms each year.

Preparing tax forms is not fun. It is a tedious and mind-numbing march toward a moment when you probably have to write a big check to a scary branch of the government. It is a task drenched in the maddening logic that your hard earned dollars will pay people to ensure that you send them more of your money next year. It is especially agonizing because much detailed information must be tracked from year to year, run through the filter of an evolving tax code, and correctly reported across a series of complex and detailed forms.

But now, with the magic of electronic programs such as Turbo Tax and Tax Cut, you must grapple with much of the minutia for only one year. In subsequent years, when you start the program, it will detect the presence of last year's data and prompt you to import essential information from your earlier work.

With the click of a mouse, all personal information, housing information, spousal information, dependents, charities you support, bank accounts you own, brokerage firms you use, tax credit carry-forwards, cost bases of assets, prior earnings and taxes paid, for both federal and state filings, just fly across space and time and land in the current year's forms. With another couple of clicks, you can download W-2 and 1099 information from your employers, banks, and mortgage holders. These electronic transfers bring sheer joy and unbridled delight.

I've said it every January for the past decade, and this time I am blogging it. Tax preparation software is like a dry, sturdy bridge across the great rushing river of tedium. Watching your data automatically transfer to populate the new forms is the best 30 seconds of the year.

Cool Things with No Purpose - Part XI

Not sure why I have always loved this photo, but I have.

What's With the Feet?

Is it really OK to take off your shoes on an airplane and prop your rotten toes up in the faces of the surrounding passengers? If not, please send a tweet to the dork who sat next to me en route to Washington DC today. And one to the guy who sat next to me on the way to Chicago recently.

I hope my recent experiences in this department can be categorized as a confluence of highly unlikely chance events, and not some emerging trend of barefoot flying. If it is the latter, then I have found the threshold of irritation that might keep me on the ground.

Full-body scan or grope; fine. Snot-nosed brat kicking my seat; I can deal. Cardboard chicken with plastic broccoli; bring it on. Uncle Oscar’s lower extremities; no can do.

Are shoes really that uncomfortable? How about the old trick of trying them on before you buy them? Is that too much to ask…that fellow passengers buy shoes that fit well enough to wear while flying?

These people are probably the same ones grousing in the security line about the great inconvenience of walking barefoot through the scanner. Do they want their shoes on or off?

I know some people like feet (Rex Ryan has made news recently for this) while others find them gross. I am not particularly fond nor particularly put off by feet in general. However, if your feet have twisted, hairy toes and jagged, yellow nails covered in fungus, I would prefer not to encounter them in the close confines of airline seating.

5 Unsung Holiday Traditions

I am sure you imaginary readers have enjoyed many of the usual holiday traditions that are so common at this time of year. Tree decorating, gift giving, and enjoying family dinners are all widely celebrated rituals. But let us take a moment to reflect on the unsung traditions that get less fanfare despite their omnipresence in most of our lives.

Here are 5 that seem ubiquitous:

Threatening your children
The only known way to make kids get along all day and then eat vegetables at dinner, is to remind them that Santa will judge them harshly if they do otherwise. This is the most constructive and perhaps enjoyable of all the traditions at my house. With Christmas behind us, I am not anticipating the consumption of much broccoli until next December, when the specter of lost gifts regains its salience.

Assembling a bicycle in the garage at midnight, under poor light
This is not an annual ritual but a semi-regular ceremony held at odd intervals until all offspring reach adolescence. While it is almost a rite of passage into fatherhood, completing the task in any less than 2 hours, 3 beers, and 5 skinned knuckles is not common. Left over parts, on the other hand, are very common.

Lost toy pieces
Here’s a holiday staple for those of you who are married with children. Nothing says Christmas afternoon like venturing into the cold to search the outside trash bin for lost instructions and missing toy parts. This usually happens after a pan of turkey fat has been poured into the bin adding an additional dimension to the unpleasant experience.

Keeping the cat out of the tree
I’ve never had one myself, but every cat-owner I’ve ever met has a story about the seemingly irresistible proposition (in feline eyes) of shiny bobbles that dangle within paw’s reach among twinkling lights.

Puzzling over the identities of those people in the Christmas card
Yes, most relatives are obvious and all good friends can be clearly recognized in their cards. But let’s be honest here, sometimes you just don’t know who the hell those people are, right? And if they only signed with their first names, well, it can be tough to figure out who they are. Or does that only happen to me…

Proud to be an American

The Dog House

Did I ever tell you about the year I spent in the "Double Dog House"? The only way to get there is to be completely unaware that you are in the regular Dog House while continuing to do what ever it was that got you sent there. Then you end up in the Double Dog House....

Ever Wonder How Baseballs are Made?

Ready for some Baseball?

Contributed by Auggie
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The World Series starts tonight. Really. While the FOX network executives are probably swearing under their breath about the match up, there is always something to like if you are a baseball fan. For example:

1. The Yankees are not in it. From a ratings standpoint the Yankees are a big draw, but there is a large segment of the population that are sick of the Yankees (including yours truly) and would prefer to see anyone else. As a humane person I often feel sympathy for the losing playoff teams no matter how hard I rooted against them. But as the Yankee players sat in the dugout with glum faces while the Rangers were about to eliminate them in game six I kept waiting for that feeling to come. I’m still waiting. So long losers!

2. First time for Texas. This is the first World Series for the Texas franchise, in fact, before this year they had never even won a playoff series. It’s always good to see a franchise get its first championship, and it would be nice for the fan base as well. And with the Cowboys sinking faster than the Andrea Doria lets face it, they need something to root for.

[Note: I didn’t mean to disrespect the 49ers with my ‘sinking Cowboys’ comment. The 49ers are sinking even faster; thus, this series is a good diversion for both area fan bases].

An underrated aspect of having Texas in the Series: we all have an excuse to use Texas slang around the house when talking about the game. For example, if the Giants want to walk Hamilton to face Vlad Guerrero we can say “they’ll be sorrier than a one-eyed gofer in a cactus patch”. If the weather is hot in Texas we can say “It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch”. After a dumb move we could say “If dumb were dirt, he’d cover about an acre” or “He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if you wrote the instructions on the heel”. So there’s that.

3. Weather. With the World Series now concluding in November, there is always the threat of a snow out. That shouldn’t be a problem this year.

4. Giant tradition. The San Francisco Giants have a great tradition, but at the same time they fall under the tortured franchise label. The Giants have not won a Championship since moving to the west coast in 1958, and in fact they have the third longest championship drought behind the more talked about Cubs and Indians. They’ve had their chances. In 1989 they went to their first World Series since moving to San Francisco but they were swept by Oakland, and the massive earthquake in the Bay area overwhelmed any interest in baseball. Then in 2002 they were six outs away before losing games 6 & 7 to the Angels.

Over the years the Giants have had some of baseball’s greatest stars; most notable are Willie Mays, Juan Marichal, Willie McCovey, Orlando Cepeda, Bobby Bonds, Gaylord Perry and of course Bobby’s son, Barry Bonds. While none of those players won a championship with the Giants they helped build a strong tradition and provided great memories for baseball fans everywhere. Ironically, if they win this year it will be without a major superstar, with the possible exception of Tim Lincecum. Speaking of Tim Lincecum . . .

5. Pitching. The Giants are built on pitching and set records this year. (I don’t know exactly what the records are and as a guest blogger I see no reason to verify my assertion). In any case, its pitching is really, really good, and it will be interesting to see if it continues against a good hitting American League club – especially the games in Texas when the DH rule is in effect. On the other side, Cliff Lee has been unbeatable in the postseason and is making history along the way. If he can consistently shut down the Yankees in the post season, he should be in line for a couple no-hitters against the Giants. I predict the scrappy Giants will beat him at least once.

Quick tangent: In September I blogged about the pansies in baseball after yet another inexplicable incident. In hindsight, I should have realized it’s specifically baseball pitchers giving the sport a bad name. Well, San Francisco pitcher Jonathan Sanchez reinforced that notion with his incident in game 6 of the NLCS. In fact, he moved to the head of the class (garden?). Words can’t describe how ridiculous his behavior was so I won’t even try. Back to the blog.

6. Josh Hamilton. Hamilton was once a can’t-miss baseball prospect before his life was nearly ruined by alcoholism. He beat his addiction and not only lived up to his playing potential but possibly exceeded it. He has a good chance to win the AL MVP award this year and is clearly one of the most feared hitters in the game. After the Rangers beat Tampa Bay his teammates were sensitive to his past struggles and sprayed him with ginger ale so he could participate of the celebration. (Of course they were probably drunk when they did it). If you like come-back stories, this is a good one.

I for one am looking forward to an interesting, and hopefully 7-game series.