Friday, October 15, 2010

Dear Auggie

Apparently the soothing, consolatory tone of my blogs has left people with the impression that I’m a warm-hearted person who will graciously help them with their problems. I’ve never fancied myself as an advice columnist, but I’m not one to turn my back on lost souls in need of guidance. Without further ado, here are some recent letters I’ve received.

Dear Auggie,

I recently set out for my usual Saturday morning golf round with my buddy Jimmy. It was a bad day from the start. First, Jimmy texted me that he was sick and wouldn’t be able to make it so I had to play alone. Then I shanked my first four iron shots of the day. I was so frustrated that I just decided to put the clubs in the bag and head home. When I arrived home and turned into my driveway I saw Jimmy running out my backyard while trying to slip his pants on. I was shocked. I haven’t said anything to my wife yet but I think she senses something is bothering me. What should I do?


Dear Biff,

This is one of the most difficult things a man has to go through, but you are not alone. Try slowing down your backswing and be sure to maintain a consistent spine angle throughout your swing and you should be hitting great shots in no time. Hope that helps!


Dear Auggie,

When I met my husband I never told him my family had money because I wanted him to love me for who I am. Now that it’s our first anniversary I would like to surprise him with the nicest set of golf clubs he can imagine. Any advice on what features I should look for?


Dear Wendy,

Just make sure they all have swimming pools. There’s nothing like a refreshing dip after a steamy round of golf.


Dear Auggie,

My husband has too many golfing days with the boys. What should I do?


Dear Meg,

This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable experience, a round of golf with the boys is a stressful affair, and getting back to you is a relief for him. Just look back at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a new set of Ping custom-made golf clubs


I think that went well. This advice stuff is not so bad.


  1. Jeff Ryer10/18/2010

    Dear Auggie,

    I just got back from my annual (20 years) fall golf weekend on Cape Cod. Saturday started out as bad as it gets (without rain or snow) with temps in the low 40's and a gale force wind off Nantucket Sound that actually moved golf balls at rest on the greens. After finally reaching the 18th Par 5 at Quashnet Valley (AKA The Snake Bog), I put out a 175 yd straight tee shot (wind was blowing in) and then a 2nd shot into the wind again. So here I am about 170 away yards with a creek in front of me and an elevated green, wind blowing in my face and I listen to one of my "friends" tell me to go for the green. I say awe shucks I was going to lay up in front of the creek and then place a pitch shot on the green and I am there in 4 and have a chance at par. But insanity prevails and I put the ball left of the green up on the side of a 30 ft embankment. Obviously I will not find it up there without a rope, so I play a provisional and lay that up in front of the creek. Next i pitch it on the green 10' from the stick. After swimming across the creek, guess what i do next ? that's right, I beat Dave with my putter until he concedes he is an idiot.

    Night comes, steaks are salty but otherwise delicious. Other festivities end at 1:30am and golf starts again at 7:30 on Sunday. Don't know why, but I have a headache and we are playing the famous Ballymeade course with its fast greens and narrow, heavily treed fairways.

    The question is - WHY DO I PLAY GOLF ?

  2. Dear Jeff,

    Because stalking is illegal. Let me explain. Your relationship with golf is derived from the same pathological defect that afflicts stalkers. You are obsessed with golf and continue to pursue it despite repeated “rebuffs”. You go to great distances and expense to follow golf (e.g. Myrte Beach, Cape Cod). Golf hates you but you continue your quest with delirious hopes that something will change - like suddenly golf will realize that you two are a perfect match. My suggestion so to take up stalking to replace your longing for golf. The risk may be worth it, and if you do end up in jail at least you won’t be able to tee off.